You
by Kurai no Tenshi
Summary: 3x4, The pilots' thoughts about the relationship as Trowa becomes distant... updated
1. Quatre

You By: Kurai No Tenshi (Kurainotenshi666@yahoo.com) Rated: R for language  
  
Author's Note: If you like the Trowa/Quatre pairing do not read! This will only upset you. I wrote this at the urge of my love, Lis and she hates Trowa with a passion. She believes he would be a cold and dispassionate lover. After writing this, I think she may be right. I'm writing this, along with many other short little ficlets, trying to get back in GW gear to write my sequel to A Soldier's Love.  
  
You don't look at me anymore. Why? You act as if I burn you with my touch. Sometimes I yell at you, scream, hurl insults, just hoping you'll look at me. I wish you would beat me, just so I could remember what it was to be touched, what it was to feel your hands on me. It's been so long since we were together. Sometimes I wish you would tie me down and rape me. Well, it wouldn't be rape, not really. Perhaps I could tie you down.  
  
I remember when you used to look at me, your eyes gliding over my slender frame, sliding over every inch in appreciation. Then would come that look, that hunger. Yes, I remember the last time you got that look. I remember how you ripped my clothes away. How you fucked me. I remember how you looked at me afterwards, as I lay there. You were disgusted.  
  
I never realized the difference between fucking and lovemaking before that day, but as you looked away from me, averting your attention from my naked form, I knew. Lovemaking was soft, sweet, gentle and slow. Fucking was hard and fast, and afterwards you felt dirty.  
  
Do you think I'm dirty now? The inches between us now might as well be miles. I find the courage to cross them, reaching out a hand to stroke the back you have turned to me. No response. I slide from the bed, and my feet reach the floor. They carry me out of our room, down the hall, and within mere minutes I am outside. It's cold, but I don't mind. Above stars light the heavens, little perforations of light.  
  
I glance back at the house. A light goes on. Curtains move aside, and a face peers out at me. It's not yours. Eyes sweep over me, taking in my form. A second figure appears, places a hand on the shoulder of the first, and then both are gone. And I'm alone. The light goes out.  
  
I'm surprised to see a light come on in the hall. Then there are lights downstairs. The front door opens and Heero emerges, wrapped in a bath robe of midnight blue. He carries me a second.  
  
"You must be cold. Put this on."  
  
I slip it on, not saying anything.  
  
"Where's Trowa?"  
  
I shrug, even though I know where you are, physically, anyway. It's been a long time since I knew where you were emotionally, if I ever knew at all.  
  
"Quatre. You're crying."  
  
I press my fingers into the flesh beneath my eyes. They come away wet, but I don't bother to brush away the tears, just wipe my fingers on the robe, wrap my arms around my body. "Yes, I am."  
  
"Come inside." He grasps my shoulders, leads me up the stairs, into the house. It is warm inside and I sit. Duo brings me hot chocolate. Wufei brings a blanket. They sit with me until my depression passes, until I snap out of it. Then I smile, and the guilt comes. I shoo them off to bed, and go upstairs myself. I take my place in bed beside you, my distant love, and drift off. Morning will come with disappointment and regret, but for now I'm okay.  
  
Author's Note: *sniffle* 


	2. Trowa

You (Trowa's viewpoint) By: Kurai No Tenshi (Kurainotenshi666@yahoo.com) Rated: R for language  
  
Author's Note: Thanks to those who reviewed Quatre's part. 'You' had been intended to be a one-shot thing, but I think I'll take it from all the viewpoints of the pilots... Hmmm... anyway, this is Trowa's Chapter. Hopefully I made up for a bit of the cruelty I showed him in the last one...  
  
~*~*~  
  
Your tiny hand brushes across my back, and I fight the urge to respond. I want to roll over, take you in my arms, cover your body with mine... but I can't. Last time I went too far, I could've hurt you. A part of me wanted to hurt you. Something in your eyes... Such pure innocence... I didn't understand how it could exist, and I wanted to rip it from you, claim it for my own. I succeeded, partially. That spark is gone from your eyes when you look at me now, but instead of becoming part of me, it disappeared, swept away on the wind, like a note of a song that you wish to hold but a few seconds longer.  
  
I feel you move now, leaving the bed, tiptoeing to the door. I bite my lip to keep from calling out to you. I wonder where you're going, what you're thinking. I wish things between us were different, that I could tell you all of the things you want to hear, but I can't. I'm not that person, not the prince in shining armor, come to rescue you from yourself, that you paint me to be. If ever I had a chance to find salvation, it was in you, but the chance is gone now.  
  
You never understood. We're obsolete soldiers, banished to this house, because the world we fought to save can't look at us. They don't want us anymore. We were bred for one purpose, and that purpose has been served now. They don't need us. All we have is one another, the five of us, our souls eternally bound.  
  
And now I have hurt you. Driven you from me, and I can't say I'm sorry, can't ask you to come back, because I might do it again. And I don't want to hurt you anymore than I already have.  
  
An hour passes. You return and take your place beside me once again. When I hear your breathing settle down, when I can tell you are truly asleep, I roll over. I curl your pale tresses around my finger. So soft, so pale, so perfect.  
  
I wonder if maybe that sparkle, that glimmer is not lost. Maybe it's only buried, just beneath the surface. Maybe with a touch, a gentle kiss, I could bring it back, access it once again. I want to give it back, return what I tried to take from you.  
  
But, for tonight, you sleep, and I long for you... 


	3. Heero

You (Heero's viewpoint) By: Kurai No Tenshi (Kurainotenshi666@yahoo.com) Rated: R for language  
  
Author's Note: Thanks to those who have reviewed You thus far. Sorry updates are taking so long.  
  
~*~*~  
  
I hear footsteps in the hallway, the front door shutting. Perhaps a normal person wouldn't be able to distinguish these sounds, but my ears are well trained, the ears of a soldier still. Beside me Duo stirs, but doesn't quite awaken. I stand up, go to the light switch. I flip it on and light floods the room. Duo complains, but I say nothing, just go to the window. I push aside the curtain, look out at a frail figure illuminated in the headlights of a passing car. Quatre. Duo joins me at the window, forever the inquisitive one, despite the late hour. I turn to leave the room, grabbing my and Duo's bathrobes off the hook on our door. Behind me the light to our bedroom goes off and I think Duo has gone back to bed, but no. The light in the hallway comes on. Duo follows me downstairs, flipping light switches as he goes. He heads for the kitchen, as I go for the front door. At some point I pull on my robe, though I don't remember doing it. I push the door open and step out in to the night. Quatre spots me but gives no reaction as I approach, bathrobe extended. "You must be cold. Put this on."  
  
He takes it and slips it over his slender shoulders. It swallows him, but he doesn't seem to notice. He says nothing.  
  
"Where's Trowa?" I ask, trying to get him to snap out of his silence, trying to evoke some sort of reaction.  
  
He just shrugs, a stray wind ruffling his white-blond hair. The look in his eyes is so vacant, so lost. I watch as tears work they're way on to the pale crests of his cheeks.  
  
"Quatre. You're crying."  
  
I watch as he touches the tears, but doesn't brush them away. He just wraps his arms around himself. "So I am." Words, finally, but no hint of the Quatre that I know still lies under the surface, the Quatre that we all see so little of.  
  
"Come inside." I take hold of his shoulders, lead him inside. I sit him down in front of the fireplace where someone has built a fire. Almost as soon as I have Quatre seated, Wufei covers him in a thick quilt that Relena had made us, and Duo is right behind him with a steaming mug of hot chocolate, piled to nearly overflowing with marshmallows, just the way Quatre likes it. We sit there with him until the hot chocolate is gone and the fire has dwindled, reassuring him that he will be fine and that all of this will pass quickly. And it does, as it always has, a soft smile coming to Quatre's lips, a look of shame crossing his turquoise eyes.  
  
"I'm sorry to have awakened you. Please, go back to bed, I'm fine." We assure him that it's okay, Duo standing and taking his empty mug, Wufei taking and folding the quilt. I follow him upstairs to make sure he gets back to bed, pausing outside his door after he's gone, an ear pressed to the wall. I listen for voices, a noise, anything to tell me what's wrong with Quatre, but the bedroom remains silent, as it has for many nights before. Duo comes up behind me and I know he's there, recognize his presence before he ever speaks.  
  
"Duo. Come, let's get back to bed. It's cold." And I wonder if Quatre has any such comfort from the cold... 


End file.
